Sunday, November 16, 2014

How Women Can Experience Greater Happiness With Online Dating


Online dating is attracting more and more singles.  In fact, 11% of American adults—and 38% of those who are currently “single and looking” for a partner—have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps (Smith and Duggan, 2013).  Both women and men have testified to its success, in terms of finding relationships.  This claim could actually be true, since one-third of married couples in the U.S. met online according to NY Daily News (2013).

Edward Brown, founder and chief dating profile writer for One Write Way provides questions and answers for women finding more joy in Internet dating.

Q: First, how did you get involved in online dating?

Brown: Actually, my mother introduced me to it about 10 years ago. She was on Black People Meet and let me use her password to see what this forum was about. Like many people starting out, I was like a kid in a candy store. I saw all these beautiful women waiting to be dated. But, I didn’t know the lay of the land yet. Attracting and engaging eligible women requires much more than a picture.

Now from a professional perspective, women 40-60 years of age, were telling me that they didn’t know how to date in this new social environment. After becoming empty nesters, widows, divorcees or too busy to date, they wanted to understand contemporary dating. So, I received a master’s degree, published a few books on relationships and started doing more research in this area. Creating online dating products and services for women over 40 started when women expressed a need to find companionship and love digitally.

Q: Are there typical mistakes that women make when it comes to online dating?

Brown: I notice three fundamental mistakes that women make when it comes to marketing themselves online. One, they have ineffective dating profiles that don’t reflect their true value. Two, they generally don’t like the online dating process, which comes across as being emotionally unavailable. And three, they often don’t exercise the rules of engagement on their initial dates.

Q: Why do you believe that women don’t market themselves more effectively with online dating?

Brown: For that very word “Marketing.”  Marketing is generally used to sell inanimate objects like cars, soap and clothes. For some women, the word may feel objectifying. No one wants to feel that they have to market themselves when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. Their notion is “I look good. I have a good job. And I’m a nice person.” That should be enough. However, from a man’s point of view, most of the women fit this description.  If you want to be special, you have to position your dating profile in a way that satisfies the man’s self-interest and yours simultaneously. So positioning oneself for meeting the ideal man might be a better term.

Q: What do you mean about satisfying a man’s self-interest and hers at the same time?

Brown: It is human nature to act selfishly. We are always looking for the value something or someone provides to us for fulfilling our needs. If I want my needs fulfilled, I have to show the other person that I am willing to fulfill hers. The only value I have to a woman is my ability to satisfy the needs she deems important to herself. If I write a dating profile for the kind of woman I desire, I have to write it from her self-interest. When my ideal woman reads my dating profile, she will feel that I may be her ideal man. The same applies in reverse.  A woman has to write a profile and show pictures that captivate a man’s imagination.  And sexual clothing and poses will not do it. It will get you laid, but not loved.

Q: Got it. Effective dating profiles should be written from the self-interest of the person you are trying to attract. What recommendations would you suggest for helping women enjoy the online dating experience more?

Brown: Simply have fun as you get to know people. The beauty of online dating is that you get the opportunity to ask questions and gain comfort without ever leaving your home. This is a huge advantage compared to traditional dating. The online dating process takes longer to connect with your ideal prospect. But, don’t attracting quality people take time anyway?

Q: But, I’ve heard many women say that men only want sex online and are merely playing  games. What do you say about this criticism?

Brown: Most, if not all men, want sex. That’s mere human nature. Women spend a great deal of time with their hair and accessories to deny being found attractive and sexy aren’t important. If women are honest, sex appeal is a marketing strategy to get men to notice and like them. At the end of the day, some women believe that if a man finds them attractive and likes them; in time, he will also be willing to satisfy her emotional needs. However, for men, emotional needs are often nurtured by the act of sex. Contrary to popular belief, if a man has sex  over a period of time with a woman he respects, likes and admires, he will develop feelings for her.  The challenges often arises because men and women develop emotions differently, which may not be on the same time clock.

Q: Okay, what are the rules for engagement?

Brown: Because contemporary women are more educated and financially independent, they can choose whomever they want to date and love now more than any other time in human history. This newfound freedom allows women to flirt, be inquisitive, funny and warm to dating prospects. If you view every conversation as an interview for marriage, you are hurting your chances for happiness. Men grow into loving a woman that potentially leads to marriage. Recently, actor George Clooney tied the knot at 53 years old. What was different about this woman from all the women he’s dated in the past? And don’t say, “He was ready.” No matter how ready he might have been, without the proper emotional and physical engagement, he would not have married her.  

No matter how ready a man might be for a committed relationship, if you don’t understand the rules of engagement, he won’t choose you.

Q: Are there some final tips you can suggest for women having better online dating experiences?

Brown: I will merely list them for the sake of brevity. Here are a few tips for successful online dating:

  • Make your dating profile totally about you. Don’t include girlfriends, children or anything that distracts from you and your dating value.
  • Ensure that your words and pictures align. Pictures may speak a thousand words, but words speak volumes. Don’t say you want a professional and financially secure man and then exercise bad grammar.
  • Obtain best practices for dating. If you have male friends who have qualities you admire, ask them about your interpersonal and engagement skills. If they are true friends, they will first tell you where your assets lie and what you can improve upon. 
  • Make sure you are emotionally available. Don’t waste your time trying to meet your ideal man if you are still hurt from your last relationship, cannot invest in dating because of your daily responsibilities or aren’t willing to reciprocate in the dating process.

Have fun. Yes, it’s about you at this stage of your life. So, let your “girlish” side come out and play. Let men build a track record through consistent words and behavior before you give any one man your emotions. And when you meet a quality man, take advantage of the opportunity. This is not the time to be coy and aloof. Just like any opportunity in life, pursue it. 

For more information for effective strategies for online dating, visit: http://enchantressonlinedatinginstitute.com/

Edward Brown, M.S. is a researcher and content marketer who has built an Internet information empire by helping individuals gain power, influence and love on the Internet.

Brown has advanced legal education from the University of Dayton School of Law and a master's degree form Mercer University.

His company published Nicky T. Bond's book, Why My Pussycat Doesn't Purr: How Love Got Harder, When Sex Got Easier on Amazon Kindle.   
 


References

NY Daily News. (2013 June 4). One-third of married couples in U.S. meet online: study. Retrieved from: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/one-third-u-s-marriages-start-online-dating-study-article-1.1362743

Smith, A. and Duggan, M. (2013 Oct. 21). Online dating & relationships. Pew Research Internet Project. Retrieved from: http://www.pewinternet.org/2013/10/21/online-dating-relationships

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